This is the third official article in the Lead Yourself First (LYF) series. If you're just joining us:
The Way Back served as the prelude, introducing the themes and questions we’d explore together.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall outlined the Leadership Compass that anchors this series.
Reading the Room took us deep into the first compass point: Context—how we got here, what shaped us, and what needs shedding.
This piece moves us into the second compass point: Ethos—our credibility, our character, and our inner compass.
I used to think I knew who I was. Wife. Teacher. Aunt. Cousin. Daughter. Professor.
But when Jeff died in October 2013, one of those roles—the one I’d worn longest and tried hardest to hold onto—disappeared. And with it, something unspoken collapsed: the scaffolding I’d built my identity around.
No one tells you how disorienting it is to lose a title before you're ready to give it up. I wasn’t just grieving a complicated marriage. I was grieving the version of myself who knew where she stood in a room because of who she stood next to.
That’s when the question began to surface: If I’m not a wife anymore… who am I?
The grief was suffocating—terrifying, even. I had never felt so low. The truth that haunted me most was this: he hadn’t even treated me well when he was alive. So why was I so undone by his death?
In the quiet, I begged God to take me. I didn’t want there to be a tomorrow. I was that hollow. That lost.
But something shifted—slowly, and then all at once. Maybe it was the holidays creeping in just weeks after. Maybe it was the weight of seeing everyone else wrapped in joy while I felt like I was still crawling through ash. Whatever it was, something inside me cracked open and spoke with fire:
Fuck this. This sucks. And I don’t want to live this way.
I didn’t mourn for long. I cut my losses—literally—and moved on. I didn’t want to just survive my life. I wanted to live it. Really live it. To enjoy it. To find someone who wanted to enjoy it with me.
And that moment—that decision—was the beginning of something different. Not a reinvention. A return.